Bring Back Reading with Ripa--Stalking Kelly Ripa

Okay, we're not really stalking her (please don't call the FBI), but this blog was born out of the frustration of trying to get our books NOTICED when there is a sea of books published every year. If you can't change it, at least you can laugh about it....

Friday, July 08, 2005

Susan McBride




Dear Kelly:

I have to confess that the reason I’m writing has less to do with books than with something a bit less literary. Namely, male strippers. Okay, the Chippendales in particular, and I figure you know a little about these guys, since your hubby used to be one. I thought of you last night, as I attended a Chippies performance with my sister and my friend Allison at Harrah’s in St. Louis. (It was for research for my fourth Debutante Dropout Mystery, NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEB. Really.)

As the lights dimmed and the spots swirled…and the guys strutted onto the stage (as cowboys and naval officers and in those little bowties, soon discarded for G-strings or nothing at all)…I wondered, “Hmm, how did Kelly feel, knowing that Mark once earned his paycheck, dollar by dollar, stuffed into his undies by groping, middle-aged women, drunk on rum and Cokes and bad cologne, drenched in sweat coming off the hard bodies of grinning hotties whose lap dances left nothing to the imagination?”

Yeah, Kelly, that’s precisely what I was thinking of for over an hour while the Chippendales flexed and thrust. I worried about you, wondered if Mark had kept any Polaroids from his dancing days, when all he had to do was look pretty and remember the choreography (which goes mostly like this: spin, drop to the ground, pretend to hump the floor, pop up, flex and rip your tear-able T-shirt straight down the middle, drop to the ground, pretend to hump the floor…you get the picture…oh, wait, maybe you have a picture).

I wonder, too, did Mark keep his bowtie and French cuffs for sentimental reasons? Does he ever put them on and say, “Watch me, Kelly, I can still do the old moves,” and then you humor him, thinking it was a good thing he got that gig with you at “All My Children” so he could (mostly) keep his pants on at the office.

All right, so what this is really all about is jealousy. A couple hundred women last night lusted after guys who spend their days in gyms so they don’t lose their jobs (though one dude seriously needed a tanning booth and a few hundred extra crunches). But, sweetie, you lived the dream. You hooked a Chippie and settled down. You get the six-pack abs at home every night. You don’t have to slide a buck in anyone’s pants to put your hands on a tight butt or see a whole lotta shakin’ going on.

I salute you, girlfriend. You make the rest of us proud; give us something to aspire to, beyond successful careers, nuclear disarmament and world peace. And you get to mouth off to Regis Philbin each morning besides. Sigh. You are a real-life example that fairy tales do come true. And I’m not just saying that because I want you to read my books. Really.

Yours truly,
Susan McBride
Author of BLUE BLOOD, THE GOOD GIRL’S GUIDE TO MURDER, and THE LONE STAR LONELY HEARTS CLUB
http://susanmcbride.com/
http://www.thelipstickchronicles.typepad.com/

11 Comments:

  • At 10:22 PM, Anonymous Harley said…

    Beautiful, Susan. I wept. Plus, I am amazed at how you suffer for your art, in the name of research. I'm sure Kelly will not be unmoved.

     
  • At 7:01 AM, Anonymous Susan McB said…

    Thanks so much, Harley! You know I really go for realism in my books, and it's a sacrifice sometimes (like seeing the Chippies) but duty calls.

     
  • At 9:04 AM, Blogger Natalie said…

    Sacrifice in the name of art. How can Kelly NOT appreciate that, huh? You're a fantastic guest stalker, Susan. If the FBI comes looking for Jen, I intend to fully blame her for this idea. I promise to keep your name out of it.

     
  • At 1:06 PM, Anonymous Susan McB said…

    A fantastic guest stalker? Oh, Natalie, I am so honored. I wish I had a plaque I could hang with that title. You and Jen were brave to invite me. If the FBI comes calling, first check and see if the guys are cute (assuming they're guys) and if they're single. If so, please, feel free to sic them on me.

     
  • At 3:30 PM, Blogger Natalie said…

    Well, I will absolutely check out their cuteness and if they pass muster will send them in your direction. I KNOW you can handle them, and Jen and I will be eternally grateful....

     
  • At 4:23 PM, Anonymous Susan McB said…

    No problem, Natalie. That's what friends are for. Just know I'm here to take any FBI hotties off your hands. Wouldn't want you and Jen to get stressed out.

     
  • At 6:27 PM, Blogger Jennifer said…

    Susan, you are Fantastic Guest Stalker (FGS)! And I will send any cute FBI your way. The mean, nasty ones I'm sending to Natalie--teach her to blame me! She came up with Stalking Kelly Ripa!

     
  • At 6:46 PM, Anonymous Susan McB said…

    As far as I'm concerned, Jen, Natalie can lock the mean FBI guys in her basement. I just want the ones who look like Keanu Reeves or Johnny Depp. Or who at least have their own teeth and hair, and no beer bellies, please. I'm not picky, really.

     
  • At 8:51 AM, Blogger Natalie said…

    Just a clarification, here. All FBI-ers resembling Johnny Depp are staying FIRMLY locked in my basement. All the rest will be sent directly to Susan....

    And, oh, HI JEN! No, no, I'm not blaming you for this blog. No, that was my evil twin PRETENDING to be me.

     
  • At 4:10 PM, Blogger Ms. Manolo Blahnik Dancing Shoes said…

    OMG! I love Kelly Ripa! :) She's the best!

     
  • At 12:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I love Kelly too theres a message bord called live whith Reges and Kelly she does read them and comments about then on the morning show I know she comment about me this morning something to do whith her heels I fav,for good luck

     

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