Bring Back Reading with Ripa--Stalking Kelly Ripa

2005-10-27T16:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Kelly,

Jennifer and I HAVE to be the world's worst stalkers. THE WORST. Our efforts have not resulted in any restraining orders, police visits, and other than some ABSOLUTELY WRONG AND MISGUIDED inferences from Jennifer about my proclivities for restraining hot FBI agents in my non-existent basement, little else.

As for Jennifer's attempts to make me seem evil and depraved, first of all, most of the FBI agents I've met are not hot. Yeah, yeah, I know, we writers are always making them hot and deeply troubled, like David Duchovny on X-Files. But we're WRITERS. We're making this sh...er, stuff... UP! Nobody wants to read about deeply troubled nerds with pocket protectors, who have mother issues and... Um, never mind.
Secondly, I think that if anyone's background and life needs looking into, it's JENNIFER, not me. She CLAIMS she's married to an accountant. An accountant? Yeah, right, Jen. We've read your books. You don't pull that stuff out of thin air.

Oh wait. Let me go back here. I guess YOU, Kelly, haven't read our books, because you are mostly ignoring us, and not paying attention to our little blog.

Well fine. So we suck at stalking. We are, however, really good at writing murder. So we have joined up with three other suspense authors and are now collectively blogging at www.murdershewrites.com. Be sure to check us out.

Still waiting for that restraining order,
Lovingly, of course,

Natalie
www.nataliercollins.com
www.murdershewrites.com
www.aintnofbiagentsinmybasement.com.... Just kidding

2005-10-22T16:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Kelly,

I'm getting kind of worried because Jennifer keeps implying that I have live people hidden in my basement. Live, hunky, FBI-type people, of the male persuasion. The truth is, I've discovered I'm not very good at this crime business, including this stalking business. All I've ever done, while stalking you, is write you letters on a blog which, I'm quite sure, you've never even read. Crime doesn't seem to be my strong suit, unless I'm writing about it. I DO have a very active imagination. In real life, I'm pretty boring. I've had a few traffic tickets. Once they temporarily suspended my license because I didn't pay one of those traffic tickets on time, even though I called the stupid city EVERY day, trying to find out how much the ticket was, and they kept telling me it wasn't in the system yet, so I couldn't pay it!!

I've never been in jail, except for when I worked for the local sheriff's office as a 911-dispatcher, and when I did ride alongs with the local cops for the same job. I actually wasn't IN the jail, I was just visiting. I had a friend who had to go to jail once, because she was nicknamed Crash. That kinda says it all. She didn't get along with cars, and they didn't get along with her. That was a weekend kind of tour, and she says there wasn't even a Big Betty in there that wanted to make Lisa her bitch.

The only thing I've ever stolen was penny candy, and my mom made me return it and apologize. I was five.

Is there something odd about people who write murder and mayhem for a living, but don't actually participate in murder and mayhem?

I sure hope not.

As for the FBI guys in the basement, the truth is, I don't even have a complete basement. Just a crawl space. So if anyone is hiding down there, it's the Munchkins from Oz or FBI agents with severe back trouble. I do NOT have FBI agents in my basement. I'm starting to think Jen is trying to get ME in trouble.

Maybe I shouldn't hang out with her so much. Whaddaya think, Kelly? I think she's a bad influence. So I THINK maybe we should bring in some other influences, just so she can't lead me astray.

Yeah, that's a good idea... Now who can I get?

Stay tuned....

Natalie
www.nataliercollins.com

2005-10-21T08:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Kelly,

So Steve Martin wrote a novella, got it published, turned it into a movie and is starring in the movie.

Yikes! Natalie and I must be doing something wrong! Could it be that we weren't, um, born with the right equipment for success?

Or that we just aren't very good at stalking stars like you to get noticed?

Or that we don't get caught committing crimes--like say the housekeeper that was stealing from "the mean stars" and got on TV to reveal why she did it?

Of course, I don't begrudge Steve his success. But Natalie and I got to talking and decided we are going to get noticed, darn it! And so we have been brainstorming...

And we are bringing others into our evil schemes...

So check back every once in a while for news!

Now I must dash off and check on Natalie. Can't leave her unsupervised for too long.

Jennifer
http://jenniferapodaca.com/

2005-09-27T06:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Kelly,

Natalie and I are starting to think that maybe you aren't paying attention to us. Sure, we understand, really we do.

It's just that we're authors, you know—creative types, and so we're a little insecure…

Which naturally leads to Natalie and I (I blame Natalie) cooking up some new ideas to get your attention. Not to worry—it's all good stuff. You know, like asking our blog readers to submit photos of hot guys. Wait, hold on, Natalie's yelling at me.

What? We're not doing Kelly's Hot Guys? No?

Oh, all right. Natalie is saying no to the pictures. Frankly, I think it's because Natalie has all the hot guys locked in her basement. In fact—have you seen the TV show DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES? I've heard rumors that Natalie is the inspiration behind a few of those characters.

But back to the blog. So Kelly, my point is that we believe you are a valuable asset to readers out there, and we're thinking we might be doing a little Blog Overhaul to keep things interesting. After all, Oprah is bringing back her Contemporary Book Club, and we all know that Oprah's choices can be a little….depressing.

We need Reading with Ripa to bring joy back to reading!

(Don't worry, I'll work on getting Natalie to relent on the Kelly's Hot Guys!)

Kelly, now that I have your attention, I have another question. Do you watch your finished work?

I don't read my published books. I've been thinking about this because I'm doing page proofs for my book that is coming out in February, TRHILLED TO DEATH. Page proofs are the final version of the book before it goes to the printers—it's my last chance to make corrections.

But there's no rewriting. No revising. No tweaking. I can only correct things like spelling, grammar, punctuation and the odd word that mysteriously gets dropped or added. I always hate the book at this point because I can't change things. I'm using the critical side of my brain to catch mistakes, but I'm not allowed to fix weak sentences, or poor word choices or flat out bad writing.

The critical side of my brain won't be constrained by those stupid rules. It sees everything.

"You used the same word twice in the same paragraph!"

"Quit using the word "just:!"

"That's a weak sentence, or confusing sentence, or passive sentence…"

But I have to ignore all that. And by the time I'm half way through the page proofs, I'm convinced the book is bad.

As in embarrassingly, career ending, awful.

Thankfully, by the time I get to the end of the book, I'm usually feeling somewhat better. But if I'm that neurotic reading the page proofs, what would it be like to read the actual book and find a misspelled word…?

Okay, since I've given you the possible news of a Blog Revamp, promised to try and convince Natalie to post occasional pictures of hot guys (for research of course) and asked you my important question, I think I'll send this off and hide so Natalie can't find me!

Sincerely,
Jennifer
http://jenniferapodaca.com/

2005-09-25T09:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Kelly,

I'm starting to feel awfully silly about writing all these letters to you, mostly because you are not responding. But why should this bother me? After all, I am a writer. No response is the name of the game.

I used to think that if I could just GET a publisher, all this waiting and rejection would magically disappear. Boy, was I deluded. Once you sell a book, the waiting has just begun. I talked to a friend the other day, and she revealed that it took an entire year JUST to negotiate the sale of her first book. ONE YEAR. That's 365 days. I guess you probably already knew the number of days in a year. But I wanted to emphasize it anyway, because the only time things move quick in New York is when THEY want something from you.

I finished the revisions on my latest book for St. Martin's, and now I'm in wait mode. I'm waiting to find out a release date. I'm waiting to find out if I successfully made the fixes my editor requested, and I'm waiting to find out if a release date will be scheduled by the time the paperback comes out in March (at least this week it's March. It has moved from June, to April, to March. It could change again tomorrow. I wait a lot.

I think I've covered this theme before. It's starting to depress me. Are you getting depressed? Is that why you don't write?

Waiting to hear from you,

Natalie R. Collins
http://www.nataliercollins.com

2005-09-17T16:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Kelly,

My sense of humor took a beating after Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans and the Gulf Coast, because I have so many friends that live down there, and also so many memories. So I thought I'd share my musings about New Orleans. Hope you can relate, at least a litte.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've had a hard time posting anything about the recent devastation in New Orleans. The reasons are complicated. I have friends down there. I have been there. I loved and lost someone right after I returned from there.
In addition, everyone else is blogging it, and it seems, with more relevance. What can a land-locked Utah girl know about such a tragedy? But I was called to task yesterday by a writer, who, although right in some ways, didn't understand that:
1. I was searching for my pictures of New Orleans 15 years ago, so I could post them. It's been a long time and it took me a while to find them.
2. It brought back memories of my Neil, who died shortly after we returned from New Orleans (long story). Neil was the inspiration for the character Frank in WIVES AND SISTERS, and all around good guy who convinced a confused young woman that she DID deserve a good man to love her. Then two weeks later he died.
3. I have been devastated by thoughts of this natural disaster, over which I have SO little control. Like the Tsunami in Asia this past Christmas, the suffering and loss of life is overwhelming. However, this one is even closer. This is a place I have been. I have friends who still live in this region. And a co-worker of mine and good friend spent days wondering if her grandfather and aunts were alive. The good news is they are. The bad news is, they lost their homes.
We've started a drive called Quarters for Katrina to try and help Renee's family rebuild their homes, since they had no flood insurance. All in all, I have been as affected by this tragedy as much as anyone not directly in Katrina's path. But every time I tried to post, it simply seemed trite, or ill-informed, or a little callous. But not because I didn't care.
The best place to donate, in my opinion, is the Red Cross. So here is the obligatory link. Not because I don't want to do it, but because I know you've seen the link many other places. But they really do need your help.
And now, I offer up some brief glances at New Orleans, albeit old ones. It's been fifteen years since these were taken. Things undoubtedly were different then what you will see here. But now, things are irretrievably lost. It will rise again, I have no doubt. But it will never be the same.
So here's my look back at New Orleans, and a time that, for me, was both wonderful, magical, and filled with grief.

2005-09-16T09:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Kelly,

Do we have any real IMPACT?

So many people are devastated by Hurricane Katrina. It's heart wrenching and emotionally draining to watch the tragedy unfold on T.V. Clearly, those who survived will need years to rebuild their lives. It will take years to rebuild the cities. The blood, sweat and tears will take a toll on people.

And this is where you come in.

Bear with me here. Oprah does her part by going to the heart of a disaster and shining the bright light of her camera onto the wreckage. That is what she does and she is good at it. Oprah works to improve the world we live in with her ability to shine the light on human suffering. She has IMPACT.

But that is not what we, you and I and other entertainers, do. And we are left feeling inadequate and maybe a little useless in a time like this. That is not to say you haven't helped, I know you have, Kelly. I'm talking about our life's work.

You and I, we try to bring laughter, joy, and occasional tears of release to people. You do it through acting and I do it through my books.

Then huge disasters strike like 9/11, the Tsunami, the London explosions and now Katrina, and we are left feeling as if our work is pointless in the big picture.

As if we have no IMPACT in a time of need or crises.

So for the last couple weeks I have struggled with that. Just as I did after 9/11 and at other times of huge, previously unimaginable, tragedy or crises.

And then I remembered my mother's last days. She was ill and in a nursing home, and her days were torture for us, those who loved her. I remember it all vividly. And I remember something else—I was reading the Harry Potter books. And they brought me moments of relief in a pain filled time. I'd spend the day taking care of my mom, come home and take care of my family, and at night, I would sink into those books. I could take my first full breath of the day and let the stress, the aching worry and heart squeezing pain go. Because a little wizard boy named Harry Potter took me to a place where magic was possible.

In times like these, we must remember how important laughter, joy, and just a simple light moment are to those who are suffering. Providing those moments do have a real IMPACT. It gives people a break so that they keep going. And so Kelly, with all the people who will spend years rebuilding their lives, and all those amazing people who will help, let's IMPACT their lives with some desperately needed fun and laughter. Maybe you can consider bringing back Reading with Ripa because people are really going to need a light beach-read more than ever.

And most importantly, remember that each of us can make an IMPACT. Let's all reach out and help out neighbors in this time of need.

Jennifer
http://jenniferapodaca.com/

2005-09-06T09:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Kelly,

Hey maybe now that summer is officially over and the kids are back in school, you'll have time to answer us! But if not, that's okay. Natalie and I understand. We have kids, we have careers, we have husbands…

Speaking of husbands, I have to say that in most ways, mine is very supportive. I love him, and he really does help me out in countless ways. For instance, when I went to Reno for a conference a couple weeks ago, he took several days off work to hang out with the kids. He's a good buy, BUT, this is how our weekend went:

Hubby, "What are you doing?"

Me, "Working." I'm at the computer, duh!

Hubby, "Is that your book?"

Me. "I have my book file open, but I thought I'd write a quick blog."

Hubby. "Shouldn't you be working on your book?"

Me. "Yes." Big sigh and I shut down the blog and open my book.

TEN MINUTES LATER

Hubby, "What are you doing?"

Me, Gritting my teeth, "TRYING TO WORK ON MY BOOK."

Hubby, "It's a holiday. Should you work so hard?"

AN HOUR LATER.

Hubby, "What are you doing?"

Me, "I thought I'd read. You're right, I need to relax."

Hubby, Turns on TV. "Hey, look at that."

Me, "I don't like boxing."

Hubby, "But he has man boobs. Look!"

Me, "Which one?"

Hubby, "Wait, they camera will go back to him."

Me, "Just tell me when." Back to reading.

Hubby, "No watch! Keep looking."

Me, "You know I hate boxing. It's stupid."

Hubby, "But he has man boobs!"

TEN MINUTES LATER

Me, "Fine, I'll put down the book. Oh look, man boobs."

Hubby, "See. He should lose weight."

Me, "So what do you want to do tonight?" I've put down the book. Hubby has my full attention which I know from experience that was his goal all along.

Hubby, "Shh, I'm watching TV."

Anyone want to guess why I write murder mysteries?

So Kelly, Natalie and totally understand why you just don't have time to answer us. It's not the kids, the career…it's husbands!

Jennifer
http://jenniferapodaca.com/

2005-08-31T09:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Kelly,

Hurricane Katrina sure as hell puts my life in perspective. My heart goes out to each and every person on the Gulf Coast.

Because it's hard for me to take myself seriously in a week where a portion of our country is suffering extreme devastation, I'll just go for some silly stuff on stress. As you know, Kelly, daily stress can really kill our creative side.

My top five stress busters:

1) A good book. The best one I've read lately— AIN'T SHE SWEET by Susan Elizabeth Phillips. The conflict is a little silly, but the book is amusing!
2) A good movie. Loved THE WEDDING CRASHERS
3) Chocolate. Last chocolate—M&M's. I actually sent my son to the store to buy a big bag of M&Ms for the family. Something I never do because I am big on Self Control. (Oh stop laughing, I have SOME self control).
4) Friends. From a quick e-mail, or a day of lunch and shopping, friends mean I never have to be lonely. I only have to reach out to touch happiness, joy, laughter and companionship.
5) Watching LIVE WITH REGIS AND KELLY or HOPE AND FAITH.

My top five stress inducers:

1) Being on hold on the phone. Then making me listen to music while on hold.
2) Charging me $140.00 to deliver a $59.99 item. Oh and even better, refusing to tell me how much the delivery cost will be until AFTER I place the order. Then, when I call to cancel, actually having the gall to ask my why! Seriously, you're asking me? You can't look at the numbers and do the math? And for the love of Sanity, turn off the hellish hold music!
3) Rude people + Cell phones. There should be a law that forbids rude people from having cell phones. And why do they have to YELL into the cell phone?
4) The TV News where I learn about frivolous lawsuits. Makes me crazy. Five o'clock News = a glass of wine in my house. How else can I cope with rampant stupidity and greed?
5) Insurance. This week's four hour headache was courtesy of Dental Insurance who needed to know the name of my son's college. Since they didn't have the name, they denied coverage of his checkup. Period. Just denied it with a snarky paragraph in capital letters about not receiving required information on the patient. NOTE TO INSURANCE—if you want further information, you have to ASK ME. I am not a mind reader! I don't know by osmosis! Send a request through the US Postal Service just like you sent the dandy claim denials! Or hey, send an email, or call me! But nooooo….you put me through two phone calls (see #1 above) and at least twenty nine minutes of listening to my husband rant and rave to resolve it. Wait did I say resolve? What I meant to say is that they will REVIEW it and send me a notice whenever they damn well feel like it to let me know if they will actually pay the claim, or if I will need to spend countless hours going to through voice mail options and hold music to see if a real live person wants to actually do their freaking job!

Whew! I think I need to review my own stress-busters!

What about you Kelly? What drives your crazy? How do you de-stress?

Sincerely,
Jennifer
http://jenniferapodaca.com/

2005-08-28T10:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Kelly,

Well, things have been kind of hectic here, as the kids (and I) go back to school. Yep, you guessed it. I wish I had nothing but time to write, but so far, I’m not rich, and, and so during the school year I “moonlight” as a teacher. Luckily, I finished my revisions on my next manuscript just in the nick of time, so now I have nothing to do but teach middle school students and ….wait.

It seems that is what this business is all about. Hurry up and wait. Get these revisions done QUICK and then….wait.

Wait to hear if I correctly interpreted the changes my editor wanted me to make.

Wait to hear if I added enough to the suspense level.

Wait to hear if I made one of my main characters more real to the reader.

Wait to hear the scheduled date of release.

I’m always waiting to hear. I’m a wait-ress.

I’m the queen of waiting. I’m wait-experienced. Because I’m not Dan Brown, or some other much more important writer, I’m not the priority.

I’m losing my mind. The truth is, I can barely stand the wait. Whatever happened to instant gratification? There’s something to be said for that, you know.

Oh well. Here I am, and here I wait.

How are things in television land? Do you spend a lot of time waiting, too?

Sincerely,

Natalie R. Collins
www.nataliercollins.com

2005-08-05T08:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Kelly,

Last week I went to a writer's conference with over 2100 other writers. I'm still recovering! I thought I'd share my random thoughts about the conference:

1) Wear comfortable shoes. Too bad I have to relearn this every single year!

2) Be nice to everyone! It turns out I was standing next to Linda Howard in the elevator. Somehow I managed to make small talk instead of blurting out; "You're Linda Howard, and I'm reading your book RIGHT NOW!" No matter how long I've been an Author, I'm still a Fan! And for the record, Linda was nice, funny, and down-to-earth charming.

3) If you win an award at the Big Awards Ceremony with 2100 women in the shimmering evening finery, say thank you and GET OFF THE STAGE! Most of the winners were gracious, amusing and reasonably brief. One was just strange. I have no idea what she was talking about. Or wearing—her dress made me think of Little Bo Peep. Then I was wishing for Little Bo Peep's staff (she did carry a staff, right?) to use to get that woman off the stage!

4) Next time, I might want to realize that if I final in a contest, I will be forced to walk up dangerous, rickety steps in barely-there high heels to get onstage, and then once I'm traumatized by scaling those steps (which were clearly designed by MEN), I will be asked if I would like to make any comments. Once I managed to get safely off stage, I was shuffled over to a professional photographer. I don't ever want to see that picture! P.S. Erica Spindler's book SEE JANE DIE won the Daphne du Maurier Award of Excellence in my category—Congratulations Erica!

5) My editor will recognize me and I have to stop making a fool of myself by saying, "Kate, I'm Jennifer Apodaca—" At which point my editor turns to my friends and says "I know who she is. I've met her before, talk to her regularly on the phone and edit her books. Does she think I don't know who I'm buying books from?" Okay she didn't actually say that, but it was darn close. And my friends? They are playing right along with my editor, agreeing that I am stupid. Sheesh. With friends like that, who needs reviewers?

6) If I try to sneak down at 7:00 am to get some coffee, I will be recognized. Yep, I only had about three fans out there amongst the thousands of women at that conference, but one of them found me when I was trying to be invisible. How does Linda Howard do it? Note to self—next time don’t be so cheap and buy a small coffeemaker if the hotel doesn't provide one!

7) Once I get home, my desk will be piled with contracts to read and signed (I am NOT complaining about that!), copy edits, blogs to write, contests to sort out and post on my newsletter group, and two works-in-progress that did not write themselves while I was gone. Then there's all the daily life stuff to catch up on!

8) And last—don't take ourselves too seriously. The only thing worth taking seriously in this business is writing the best damn book we can.

So, Kelly that was snippets of my conference week. I imagine it's much different for you when you go to big events. Everyone knows who you are!

Before I sign off, I must mention that I heard your name, Kelly Ripa, and the sorely missed Reading with Ripa segment of your show, talked about quite a bit. Everyone misses Reading with Ripa!

Best,
Jennifer
http://jenniferapodaca.com/

2005-07-27T13:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Kelly,

Well, I’ve been writing to you for a while, and have had no response, but that’s okay. I know you’re probably busy, what with your acting career, your family, and of course, Regis. He seems like a high maintenance kinda person. I can understand that. My husband is pretty high maintenance himself. Oh, don’t worry. I know you aren’t MARRIED to Regis, but rather to Mark Consuelos, who is pretty hunky, being a former Chippendale dancer and all. Hmm. You know, now that I think about it, I’m wondering if being married to a former Chippendale dancer doesn’t have its OWN problems. Me, I’m married to a former Chip N’ Dale fan, which is slightly different.

Despite his love for cartoons, he’s not terribly simplistic. In fact, he’s downright troublesome. For example, this man who can rewire or fix just about anything with a screwdriver and a roll of duct tape has other difficulties reasoning.

For example, he cannot understand why dogsitting a 130-pound great dane might be slightly difficult, especially when I have a 20-pound shih tzu, a small house, and children he outweighs by, oh, forty or fifty pounds. (No offense to the great dane people. He’s a good dog, he’s just damn big dog, more like a horse, really.) The abovementioned children are out of school, of course, and so I hear a lot of “what should I dooooo?” “I’m booooorrreeedd.” All of my suggestions are the wrong answer, so I suppose I should just say, “Go and fight with your sister and scream names at each other,” because that’s the right answer, or at least the one that they do the most.

Of course, HM husband is at WORK during the day, so the whole logistical/pain-in-tush part of tending a great dane does not OCCUR to him. See, to Bosley, my dog Stormy looks like an hors d’oeuvre. And to Stormy, Bosley looks like another dog to play with. That means one must be inside while the other is outside. They sit at the side door and stare at each other, Bosley with a “how-much-is-that-doggie-in-the-window-and-does-it-come-with-sauce” look on his face, and Stormy with a “does it want to play?” look on his. It wants to play, all right.

In the mean time, I have revisions due. My editor called me with some suggestions for my next book, and my deadline is “take your time and hurry up.” Hard to do when you are playing referee to two fighting-out-of-school children, one of whom just HAPPENS to be premenstrual, God save us all, and the Samson and Goliath of the dog world. Since my office IS the dining room/living room area, as I gave up the downstairs room so PM daughter could have her privacy, well, things are chaotic. It’s hard to concentrate.

And PM daughter is down her room sobbing her eyes out about the injustices I have heaped upon her, one of which is apparently the fact that I thought I would have a royalty check by now (as you might guess, I was wrong) and I thought we might possibly be able to go school shopping. Wrong again. Can you believe how cruel I am?

I might have some money for school shopping, except the air-conditioning in my car went out, shortly after I got it back from its encounter with Angel-the-devil, and I had to pay to get that fixed. So I don’t have a lot of extra cash right now, because 100-degree weather and no air in a car make Natalie a cranky girl.

And now I can’t remember the point of this letter, which may explain why I have so many revisions to do on my manuscript because the chaos of my life does not allow me time to work and really think things through properly.

A nanny would help. Or a cruise. Either/or.

Love,

Natalie
http://www.nataliercollins.com

2005-07-24T14:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Kelly,

Do you remember the phrase "Rock on?" Is that phrase seriously dated? Probably. I heard my son's very hip girlfriend say "Peace out" recently, which I found intriguing but not relevant to my point. But "Rock on," that pretty much sums up my personal philosophy about a career in writing and publishing. It's a rough road, full of pot holes and sometimes we crash, but to be successful we must…

Rock on.

First we do the whole bleeding on the page thing. Being writers that live in imaginary worlds, we don't usually use 'real' blood. Actors are the same, you don't use real blood either, right Kelly? So you probably get this. Here's an example of my writing day: Drag my growing backside out of bed at 5:45a.m. Hit the gym by 7ish on a good day. Back home and ready to write around 9a.m. Open the file of the book I'm working on and damn it, that difficult scene, the one that is NOT working, didn't fix itself over night. Stomp off (think metaphorically people) to check my email. Okay, pouting done, back to my scene. Between arguing with uncooperative characters, the compulsion to check my email every twenty minutes, coffee and diet coke refills, food, phone calls and the kids' sudden desire for chats, it's suddenly 3:00 PM. I have an hour left to write and wham—the scene starts working. I write ten or fifteen pages in two hours, spending the last hour snarling at anyone who is dumb enough to think I really stop at 4p.m. The next day—start over again.

Rock on.

Next come the critiques. I ask a couple people for a read through. Then I agonize for days, sometime weeks waiting for their comments. "Agonize" is an interesting word that stands for; knotted stomach, waking up at 2 am in a cold sweat, too much coffee, literally trying to hold back screams of "Have you read it yet?" or "You hate it, don't you?" when I see, talk to, or email these wonderful people helping me. "Agonize" sums up the days of my brain picking at the entire plot like a swollen scab. It's painful. Why would anyone put themselves through this?

Rock on.

The critiques come in from smart, talented authors who are generous enough to help me. They will make twenty nice comments and point out two problems. My eyes zero in on the problems and my brain flashes the FAILURE sign in big green neon letters until I have a headache. I walk away, determined not to let it get me. I stagger around muttering, "I can fix this. I can! I have to. My career is over." Then I down some Tylenol, make coffee and tackle the problems, once again snarling at anyone who interrupts. Strangely enough, by the time I'm finished, I am GRATEFUL to my critique-friends.

Rock on.

Time to send it to my editor and wait for the phone call. It's like waiting for a call from the gate keeper to heaven. My entire career is in that single person's hands (not true, but it feels like it). This period can take days, weeks or months. Coping strategies are essential. Frankly, the world would be a seriously ugly place without chocolate :-) Then the call comes. I have had all the variations—love it don't change a thing; love it, needs one or two fixes; umm you can fix this or you can start over (it was just a proposal but it still felt like a truck had hit me, then a bus, then a train…). On the last one, I tossed it and wrote a new story idea for my editor. She bought it.

Rock on.

Now I'm tackling a huge idea, trying to wrestle it into a proposal while writing the first of two contracted books, I'm doing this to grow my career, and because these two characters have come to life in my heart and soul. I'm worried I've taken on two much, worried I'll let down the people who believe in me, and just as important—worried I'll let down my readers, but you know my philosophy…

Rock on.

And this is what I tell the writers working so hard trying to cross over from unpublished to published. It's not an easy road, friends. Everyone pays the price in some manner. In may LOOK easy on the outside, but I promise you, every successful person has hit the rough patches. But what makes them successful?

They rock on.

So, Kelly, what's your personal philosophy?

Back to my son's girlfriend and her "Peace out" comment. From the context of our conversation, I took that to mean she's simply not going to deal with mean, nasty people. Are we raising a smarter generation of women or what?

Rock on,

Jennifer
http://jenniferapodaca.com/

2005-07-22T14:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Kelly,

Do you happen to know the Pope? The other night I was in the gym working out (and I STILL don't have a cute and tiny figure like you!) and there was a segment on the news about the Pope. It seems that the Pope disapproves of the latest Harry Potter book. I know that because I saw it over and over for days after the Pope made his comments.

Frankly, I think someone might want to let the Pope know that he's going about this the wrong way since his comments actually promoted the book.

But it got me thinking, how can I get the Pope to take notice of my books? Why I'll ask Kelly! She can get the Pope to notice my books. So what about it, Kelly? Really my books are the type to annoy the Pope.

For instance, Samantha Shaw's grandfather is a magician; I'd say that's pretty close to a wizard, right? And Grandpa also does a little breaking and entering on the Internet, surely the Pope wouldn't approve of that? Grandpa would argue that he only does "research" to help solve murders, but I'm not so sure the law, or the Pope, would buy that excuse.

I'm also thinking the Pope might frown on Sam's career—she owns a dating service. What is the Pope's position on dating services? Of course, I'm positive he'd never use a dating service himself!

Then there's murder. It happens in every book. I'm pretty sure the Pope frowns on murder.

Oh and the SEX. Sam has a very hot relationship with her boyfriend, Gabe. Lots of sexual tension, humor and did I mention SEX?

So Kelly, what do you think? Can you run this by the Pope and see if he'd like to publicly comment on my books? I can really use the publicity!

I sure hope I didn't hurt your feelings, Kelly. I am convinced that Reading with Ripa filled a void for women. Women buy the most books, and yet the New York Times reviews books directed at men (again, someone needs to tell the marketing department that little detail), and treat books that women love as inferior. But you treated us as valuable people who enjoy fun books! We miss that, Kelly! But until you bring Reading with Ripa back, we women will have to find other ways to discover terrific books.

So do you know the Pope?

Sincerely,
Jennifer
http://jenniferapodaca.com/

2005-07-19T15:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Kelly,

I already told this story to the two kind people who read my personal blog, you know, the one that is NOT devoted to you, but the other day, my daughter got one of those eternally-forwarded chain letters that plague cyberspace, and knowing what a skeptic I am, she asked me if it was for real. As usual, it was not, which NEVER seems to stop people from forwarding these things. And I don't get it. Why the hell would you forward ANY kind of death warning, promise of riches, or promises to curse your family, without first verifying whether or not it was true?But it doesn't matter. Everyone does it. For example, here is the Monkeyman letter.

This is something I received from the State Police Please read this "very
carefully"...then send it out to all the people online that you know. Something
like this is nothing to take casually; this is something you DO want to pay
attention to. Think of it as a bit of advice too.If a person with the
screen-name of Monkeyman935 contacts you, DO NOT REPLY!!!! DO NOT TALK TO THIS
PERSON; DO NOT ANSWER ANY OF HIS/HER INSTANT MESSAGES OR E-MAILS. Whoever this
person may be, he/she is a suspect for murder in the death of 56 women (so far)
contacted through the Internet. Please send this to all the women and children
on your buddy list and ask them to pass this on, as well. This screen-name was
seen on Yahoo, AOL, and Excite, so far. This is not a joke! Please send this to
men too...just in case! Send to every one you know! Ladies, this is serious. Cut
and paste this from its long forward list. Please check and make sure to forward
to anyone I have not included on this list.

Perhaps the key here is the THREAT. If you scare the shit out of people, they will listen and forward things. Either that, or promise riches, wish-fulfillment, or good luck. Sometimes the motive of these hoaxes is revenge, like with the Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe. People think they are getting one up on Neiman Marcus by telling everyone their cookie recipe, which does not exist. But the motivation is never really founded in fact or solid, emotionally-balanced thought. I guess that's why we sell so many lottery tickets in the United States. If you actually have something legitimate to offer, say, a good book, they will not forward your post on. Not that I've TRIED this, but it sure has crossed my mind. I get these stupid forwarded emails every week. And every time, I wonder how I could make it work for me. I can envision the email now.

This is something I received from the State Library Police. Please read this
"very carefully"...DO NOT IGNORE THIS EMAIL, or you will be sorry. Forward this to everyone on your mailing list.You must read the book WIVES AND SISTERS by
Natalie R. Collins. If you do not the State Library Police will come to your
home and "shush" you into submission. In addition, your toes will shrivel up and
become gangrenous and your children will immediately fall to the floor and
pledge lifetime allegiance to Hari Krishna. If you do not immediately go to the
bookstore and get a copy of this book, available for only $24.95 in hardback,
your name will be given to the LDS Church as an "extremely excited investigator"
and hordes of LDS Missionaries will storm your home, refusing to leave you alone
until you feel a burning in your bosom that is not directly related to the
shotgun blast you just fired at them. The Jehovah's Witnesses will also be
preaching the gospel of Jehovah, or whatever gospel it is they preach, and if
you get hurt from the shotgun, they will NOT, I repeat, NOT allow you to have a
blood transfusion to save your life. Purchasing this book will keep you safe
from: Mormons, Jay-Dubs, Snake-handlers, Amway Salesmen and door-to-door
salesmen/women who call you beautiful and offer to clean everything in your
house with one simple product that costs only $19.95. It will also afford you
protection from Paris Hilton, Tom Cruise's delusions of grandeur, and bad television movies starring Meredith Baxter-Birney. FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW. Everyone can use this kind of protection.

Think you can help me make this chain letter reality, Kelly? Come on, let's give it a shot.

Natalie R. Collins
http://www.nataliercollins.com

2005-07-08T09:11:00.000-07:00

Guest Stalker

Susan McBride

Dear Kelly:

I have to confess that the reason I’m writing has less to do with books than with something a bit less literary. Namely, male strippers. Okay, the Chippendales in particular, and I figure you know a little about these guys, since your hubby used to be one. I thought of you last night, as I attended a Chippies performance with my sister and my friend Allison at Harrah’s in St. Louis. (It was for research for my fourth Debutante Dropout Mystery, NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEB. Really.)

As the lights dimmed and the spots swirled…and the guys strutted onto the stage (as cowboys and naval officers and in those little bowties, soon discarded for G-strings or nothing at all)…I wondered, “Hmm, how did Kelly feel, knowing that Mark once earned his paycheck, dollar by dollar, stuffed into his undies by groping, middle-aged women, drunk on rum and Cokes and bad cologne, drenched in sweat coming off the hard bodies of grinning hotties whose lap dances left nothing to the imagination?”

Yeah, Kelly, that’s precisely what I was thinking of for over an hour while the Chippendales flexed and thrust. I worried about you, wondered if Mark had kept any Polaroids from his dancing days, when all he had to do was look pretty and remember the choreography (which goes mostly like this: spin, drop to the ground, pretend to hump the floor, pop up, flex and rip your tear-able T-shirt straight down the middle, drop to the ground, pretend to hump the floor…you get the picture…oh, wait, maybe you have a picture).

I wonder, too, did Mark keep his bowtie and French cuffs for sentimental reasons? Does he ever put them on and say, “Watch me, Kelly, I can still do the old moves,” and then you humor him, thinking it was a good thing he got that gig with you at “All My Children” so he could (mostly) keep his pants on at the office.

All right, so what this is really all about is jealousy. A couple hundred women last night lusted after guys who spend their days in gyms so they don’t lose their jobs (though one dude seriously needed a tanning booth and a few hundred extra crunches). But, sweetie, you lived the dream. You hooked a Chippie and settled down. You get the six-pack abs at home every night. You don’t have to slide a buck in anyone’s pants to put your hands on a tight butt or see a whole lotta shakin’ going on.

I salute you, girlfriend. You make the rest of us proud; give us something to aspire to, beyond successful careers, nuclear disarmament and world peace. And you get to mouth off to Regis Philbin each morning besides. Sigh. You are a real-life example that fairy tales do come true. And I’m not just saying that because I want you to read my books. Really.

Yours truly,
Susan McBride
Author of BLUE BLOOD, THE GOOD GIRL’S GUIDE TO MURDER, and THE LONE STAR LONELY HEARTS CLUB
http://susanmcbride.com/
http://www.thelipstickchronicles.typepad.com/

2005-07-07T13:03:00.000-07:00

Guest Stalker
Deborah LeBlanc

Dear Kelly,

I've been a fan of yours from day one and dang near lit a fireworks display in my front lawn when you began the Reading With Ripa segment on the show! When Reading With Ripa ended, however, I wanted to conduct a funeral because another literacy advocate had bit the dust.

Kelly, America NEEDS your voice, and just in case you're not aware of how badly we need you, let me share this little story....

Last year I went on my first book tour, putting feet to the street, my debut novel in hand. During that tour, I visited over 250 book stores throughout the United States and talked with hundreds of their customers. I discovered that most of the people I spoke with fell into one of three categories:

Category 1: 15 to 20 year olds -"I don't like to read. I'm just hanging out here with my friends 'cause it's cheaper than going to the show."

Category 2: 21-35 year olds- "I don't have time to read. I'm too busy raising my kids and trying to make ends meet, and I come here for the free internet access." (or to have coffee with friends.)

Category 3: Everyone 35 or older--moderate to avid readers. Unfortunately, they constituted only 25 percent of the total visitors in the store.

Kelly, I can't tell you how disheartened I was by the end of the tour. If such a wide age range of people (15-35 year olds) are no longer reading, the chances of their children and their children's children reading would be slim to none. In essence, it's as though we're establishing a foundation of mental impoverishment for future generations. I couldn't bear the thought, nor could I sit back and do nothing about it. So I started a literacy challenge, one that offers those willing to read just two books and answer a few questions the chance to win $5000, plus an extra $1000 that will go to the public school of their choice. I have and continue to spend my own hard-earned dollars touring the nation, motivating kids in high school, parents in libraries, and basically anyone who'll listen, to read.

The challenge has made a small dent in our non-reading society, but we desperately need your help. Without wonderful people like you who have a strong voice and powerful influence, encouraging Americans to read, our future generations are in for some very hard times. Challenges already await them, Kelly. Mental impoverishment shouldn't be one of them. Please bring back Reading With Ripa. We need you.

All the best,
Deborah LeBlanc
www.deborahleblanc.com

2005-07-04T18:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Kelly,

You know something about this, Kelly, so I thought I'd ask your advice. Remember when you first hired on at REGIS AND KELLY and everyone compared you to Kathy Lee Gifford? How did you handle that and do such a fabulous job of establishing your own identity without taking anything away from your predecessor?

I have this little problem. I write humorous, sexy mystery/romances.

So does Janet Evanovich. You may have heard of her—she's a regular on the New York Times Bestseller List with her hilarious Stephanie Plum Series.

Now I've never met Janet (I have met Jackie Collins, Dean Koontz and a host of other truly lovely authors but that's another blog). I have only admiration for her books and her business skills. There's no beef between us.

But some of her fans, okay, ONE of her fans has taken it upon herself to write me emails. She tells me she MIGHT have liked my books if she hadn't read Janet Evanovich, but since she has, she has spotted many glaring similarities. She ended the first email with something like she "supposed the imitation is the sincerest form of flattery." Which is a snarky way of suggesting that I am stealing from Janet. To back up her brilliant deductions, here is some of her evidence:

Samantha Shaw (the heroine in my series) has frizzy hair as does Stephanie Plus (Evanovich's heroine).

Stephanie Plum has a grandmother, and Samantha Shaw has a grandfather in the series.

They both have big dogs.

They both have love triangles.

I can't remember the rest, but they were all equally silly. Now Kelly, I can answer these. For instance I have frizzy hair, and frankly, I've gotten some big laughs. Once we went to Palm Springs (California) for brunch with the corporate bigwigs from my husband's work. The entertainment? Watching my carefully groomed hair frizz beneath the misters used to keep guests cool.

Hello! I spent twenty minutes taming my hair into submission and this restaurant puts misters above the guests? Don't think the wait staff wasn't coming by every two minutes and laughing behind their serving trays. What's a girl to do? I, of course, cracked jokes. Sure, my husband's colleagues MIGHT actually have been laughing at my frizzy hair, but I prefer to think it was my wit.

And yep, my character Sam has a grandpa. Umm, most everyone I know has a grandparent or two, or four, or even six hanging around the family tree. How does she think I stole that? Stephanie's grandma goes to funeral viewings and shoots the Sunday chicken. Samantha's grandfather is a retired magician who is helping Sam raise her sons. What's the big rip off there?

The dog? Excuse me, I had the dog first! She came in chapter two of my first book. A really cool German shepherd booted from the police dog program for stealing beer. Janet Evanovich's dog came later in her series after I'd written one or two of mine (and no, I don't think Janet ripped me off either!). Frankly, I know lots of people with dogs! Lots of books with dogs! Please.

And lastly, the love triangle. Oh for Cupid's sake, lady, get a clue. That's been around for CENTURIES. Janet E, though very talented, did not invent that one! And pay attention, I don’t exactly have a love triangle. My character is committed to one man. What I have is a little sexual tension going on between Sam and a police detective but nothing ever comes of it. It's called FLIRTING. Go look it up in a dictionary.

Kelly you were brilliant when you had Kathy Lee Gifford guest star on your sit com, HOPE AND FAITH. It showed everyone what a wonderful sense of humor both of you talented ladies have. But I don't have a sitcom. Do you have any other suggestions to get this gal to back off and take up another hobby besides dogging me?

Thanks!
Jennifer
http://jenniferapodaca.com/

2005-07-03T13:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Kelly,

You don't mind if I call you Kelly, do you? Since I've been writing to you so often, I feel like I know you. Which is probably why I am spilling my guts to you. Things aren't really great right now.

Boy, you know, this writing business is hard. I think most people don't realize that. I'm waiting for my royalty check from St. Martin's and meanwhile, things just keep going wrong. Expensive, "boy do I need money" type things. Despite the impression most people have about writers, most advance checks are not six figures. More like four. Low four. Can you be low four? My low four is long gone, as is my first royalty check, which wasn't really big because they kept a lot of it as a deposit (or something like that) in case people returned my book in hoards. So much for my dreams of the New York Times Bestseller list. Okay, okay, I knew that wasn't gonna happen when I heard the print run, but a girl can dream.

Anyway, since my publisher pays every six months, it's been a while since I've seen any money from WIVES AND SISTERS. I'm kinda broke. Like my kitchen sink. Every time you turn it on or off the spigot thingie comes off and the water runs until you get a wrench and shut it off. Good thing the drought is over here in Utah, or the water police would be tracking me down.

I need a whole new sink, really, because it keeps plugging up, and makes this glug, glug, glug sound every time you drain water. Only the "glugging" lasts about 20 minutes AFTER you drain it. My daughter thinks it's a sink monster and is using it as an excuse NOT to do dishes. The dishwasher broke long ago, so we do dishes by hand, which my daughters both swear is just like the "olden times." Somebody call a plumber. Of course, that'll have to wait.

It ain't been a great week. The sink ain't the only thing leaking.

See, my car is doing it, too. On Monday, a man--boy, really, just barely sixteen, according to his license, although he looked about 25--turned left at the same time I was going through a busy intersection, and broadsided me. I was on Riverdale Road in Ogden, which is like driving through the pathway of the Imperial Starship during a clash with the rebels. You're always thankful to get out alive--or at least not maimed. Monday, I didn't get out.

The kid who hit me did not "habla Ingles." At least not much. The police managed to communicate, via loud shouts and hand signals, that they needed to know what had happened. The kid--whom we shall call Angel because that is his name--told them he was turning left on a yellow light when I entered the intersection at a "high rate of speed" (that's from the police report, and I'm assuming they put those words in his mouth, and his actual words were probably something like "muy fasto" because he didn't "habla Ingles." Yes, I am aware I don't habla Espanol very well) and so he hit me.

Hmm. Odd. The light was a lovely shade of green when I entered.

Luckily, there was a witness who backed me up, and Angel was cited. He actually received two citations, unfortunately. The reason I say unfortunately, is because the second citation was for lack of proof of insurance. Nothing like the words "no insurance" to really get your heart a pounding, especially as you are sitting in the ruins of your Plymouth Breeze, which ain't a great car, but it does run, and has power windows and locks and is almost paid off and has an air conditioner that works every other day at least, usually on the cooler days when it isn't needed as bad, but IT IS ALMOST PAID OFF.

That's where the leaking came in. After the fire department arrived they ran around my car dumping something that looked suspiciously like cat litter. Fluids leaking from your car like urine from an incontinent cat are a not a good sign. I suppose they are better than fluids leaking from, say, your head, but it still isn't a great feeling.

"The important thing is no one was hurt," is the common saying you hear after an accident. I think I've used it myself. I don't believe it anymore. I have no car, the kid appears to have no insurance, and my car is leaking green shit all over Riverdale Road. Not only that, but I'm not entirely "not hurt." I have a bruise from the seatbelt, sore shoulders and neck, and a crescent moon shaped visual disturbance in my lower left eye that will probably not go away. But I'm not hospital bound.

Later that day, I got the LAST good news I would get for more than a week. Angel does have insurance. Woo hoo! But not so fast. I was assigned a claims adjustor who has been working for an insurance company for probably about three hours. This is a disadvantage when you are hit by a person who has a tendency to LIE and are working with an adjustor who is really worried about doing the job exactly right.

The first thing I told her was I needed a rental car. Not so fast. After she took my statement, etc., our conversation went something like this.

Agent: Well, I have to see the police report first.

Me: Well, my agent has the police report, and it clearly states I am not at fault.

Agent: Well, I have to wait to get it. I can't just take your word for it. Now, my client says that you ran a red light, after a black truck stopped in front of you. You swerved around it, so he couldn't see you. At least I think that's what he said. It was a little hard to understand him because we had to have an interpreter.

Me: Black truck?

Agent: You didn't see a black truck?

Me: There was no black truck!

Agent: Okay, and you didn't run a red light?

Me: The light was green. The witness backs this up. It's on the police report. There was no black truck. Your client never mentioned a black truck in the police report. Why don't you have the police report? My agent has the police report. If you had the report, you would see Angel is lying. You would see he said the light was yellow when he turned.

Agent: We have a service who picks them up, so I don't have it yet. I have to investigate this thoroughly. After I get the police report, I'll call you.

I hung up from this phone call, fuming about the Angel-the-liar and called my agent. She faxed a copy of the report to the other agent.

Next phone call went like this.

Agent: Well, it looks like it's 80-20 at this point. I can't authorize a rental car until I determine how much fault we have. I have to investigate this thoroughly.

Me: How could it possibly be 80-20. Now you have the report, not only do you know he is lying, but you also know that the light was NOT red. He was cited. I am not at fault. I NEED A CAR.

Agent: Well, there's a witness here, and I need to talk to him before I can make a decision. You can go out and get a rental car and then we will reimburse you.

Me: Hell no. HE HIT ME. HE IS AT FAULT. I need a car.

Agent: I cannot authorize that until I determine fault.

Me: It's in the police report!

Agent: I need to talk to the witness.

Me: What the witness said is in the police report. He said the light was green.

Agent: Well that isn't his sworn statement. So I need to talk to him.

Me: (Bashing head against wall.)

I'll sum up the rest for you. A day and a half passes, and finally, in a phone call, she tells me that she can't reach him, so she is ready to just authorize the car, when lo and behold, he calls her, but she misses the call. SO she decides she must talk to him, even though one hour before she told me she was ready to authorize the car. By the end of the afternoon I am not happy with her, with her company (hint: Think the "good hands" company), and life in general. I blow up when she tells me she hasn't reached him. We go over the same old points. Things like: 1. I have a witness that backs me up in a police report, even though she has no "sworn" statement. 2: Her client got two citations. 2: Her client has lied, either to her, or the police, take your pick. 4: Even if I did go into the intersection on a yellow, I still had right of way, and thus am not responsible.

I could come up with more. I called my agent. She sensed my desperation. She made some calls.

By Friday morning (the accident occurred MONDAY!!) the Good Hands people finally admitted Angel was at fault, and arranged for a rental car. At that point, I had a new, very nice, VERY PROMPT adjustor. He likes writers. He really likes my friend Evan Hunter/Ed McBain, although he's never heard of me. Nevertheless, he still only approved a rental car that is what they call intermediate. I suspect, after getting said car, that small is a skateboard.

But it runs, it doesn't leak, and it has air conditioning that works all the time.

While I'm glad the drama portion is mostly over, right now, however, I am just wishing I was on a cruise ship, headed to place tropical, with warm breezes blowing, drinks with umbrellas, and.....

Phew, this has gotten long. I'm not on a cruise ship. I'm writing to you, to beg you to start up your Reading with Ripa book club again. After all, I need a new sink, a new car, and more than a few other things.

Waiting to hear from you,

Natalie
http://www.nataliercollins.com

2005-06-30T12:39:00.000-07:00

Guest Stalker
Melanie Hauser

Dear Kelly Ripa,

Well, personally I’m not all that upset that Oprah discontinued her book club. I never thought that the book I wrote would get her attention. Nobody dies in it, for one thing. But you — ah, well, you were my true inspiration. I wanted to write a Kelly Ripa book — fun, fast, maybe a bit cheeky but honestly, who can’t use a bit of fun in her life now and then?

But then you stopped Reading with Ripa! Why? I understand you’re a superwoman — putting up with Regis, kids, hubby, starring in two television shows. But even superwomen have to read now and then! And despite the fact that you’ve had three kids and still manage to be thin and gorgeous — reasons why the rest of us should really hate you — we don’t. We like you. We really like you. And we really like to read books recommended by you.

I’ve written a book about a super mom — something right up your alley, as a matter of fact. So from one superwoman to another — Please bring back Reading with Ripa!

Author of a fun, cheeky novel and proud of it,

Melanie Lynne Hauser
CONFESSIONS OF SUPER MOM, Dutton, September 2005
For every soccer mom who dreams of leaping tall buildings in a single bound — introducing a superhero for the Swiffer generation.
http://www.melanielynnehauser.com/

2005-06-30T10:56:00.000-07:00

Hey Kelly,

Guess what? My agent just called with an offer for another two-book contract! How cool is that? I'll be writing two mystery/romance books for a very sexy line—exactly the kind of fun beach reads you love!

So I was thinking, maybe you can tell me what your fantasy-book is, you know, your secret passion that you haven't told anyone? Do you have a thing for baseballs players and whip cream? Firemen and their hoses? NASCAR drivers and their stick shifts? Come on, Kelly, you can tell me. I'll write it so hot it'll make your dreams come true!

We'll be a team!

Okay, it'll be my name on the cover, but I'll write an acknowledgement to you. How about:

To the beautiful, talented, Kelly Ripa,

Thank you for your wonderful suggestions and late night phone calls that helped me craft this book! I'm looking forward to our next lunch.

How would that be? Oh, and Kelly, don't worry. All your secrets are safe with me. I won't tell anybody! I mean sure, I'll put them in the book, but I'll cleverly disguise them so no one will ever know!

Hope to hear from you soon!

Jennifer
http://jenniferapodaca.com/

P.S. Say hi to Regis for me. Hey, is he going on vacation soon? Need a fill-in for him on your show?

2005-06-27T21:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Kelly Ripa,

Well, imagine my disappointment when I learned you no longer PICK Kelly Ripa books. What is up with that? And don’t try to make this about me, and not doing the research or even just being up on current events enough to know you weren’t doing it. I’m a writer. I spend most of my days with my fingers glued to the keyboard. There just isn’t television watching time during the day.

You know, once I watched this show with a writer, and she lived a pretty glamorous life. Lunches, and bons bons, and champagne receptions. That might even have been the time I decided to become a writer. Boy was I fooled. DO NOT ever make life plans based on television. And in the meantime, nobody is doing that dirty laundry piling up! But I digress.

You know, just because you don’t do the Reading with Ripa books anymore does NOT mean you can’t start again.

We need you, girlfriend.

What is it going to take? I don’t have a lot of cash, and my children are kind of whiny and not very helpful around the house, plus one is almost 13 and she has head-spinning, pea-soup spewing episodes at least twice a day, so I think you won’t want them.

In short, all I really have to offer is a great book with great reviews and edge-of-your-seat suspense. Give it a chance and you’ll see.

Just give the word, and I’ll get the book in the mail. I’ll sign it, send bon bons, and even including the pea-soup spewing daughter if you are so inclined.

Waiting for the word….

Natalie R. Collins

http://www.nataliercollins.com

2005-06-27T08:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Kelly,

So many people want Reading with Ripa back! Since you've put the reading program on hiatus, it just hasn't been the same. We miss selections like Carly Phillips' sexy bachelors or Vickie Lewis Thompson's hot nerds (I know...it sounds like an oxymoron).

Without Reading for Ripa, the unchecked media (fueled by the cable news channels) have jumped in to fill the void with sheer TACKINESS. They don't look for authors who've written a good book. They consider that formula passe.

Here is their formula:
1) Wait for some someone to do something stupid, questionable, a little illegal or immoral.
2) Make them the non-stop news story for endless days, weeks, even months if they can get enough play. (Like say, the mistress of a murdered!)
3) After wringing out every second of nauseating news coverage from them, add in a facilitator like Gloria Allred to secure that multi-buck book deal and movie rights.
4) Then give the book and movie tons of free publicity.

For example, The Runaway Bride, Amber Fry, Monica Lewinsky...I could go on and on!

So please, Kelly, bring Reading with Ripa back to us! We need your good taste and charm to save us!

Best Regards,
Jennifer

P.S. I just happen to have a couple books (four books and a novella!) that might fit your excellent taste in selections!

2005-06-25T09:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Kelly Ripa,

I realize you don’t know me from Adam, er, Eve, but I would love to change that. See, ever since Oprah started picking books written by dead people for her Book Club, and ignoring those of among the living without names like Hemingway or Faulkner, things have been pretty bad for us published authors. (Of course, they were ALIVE when they wrote the books, but it’s been a while. Trust me.)

Used to be a guest shot on Oprah pretty much guaranteed your place on the bestselling lists. Well, now, Oprah has resorted to classics. CLASSICS. Can you believe it? Like Hemingway needs anyone else in the world to know his name. When you say “Hemingway” to any person on the street, they immediately reply “Ernest.” That is unless they are hitting you full in the face with mace, because they think you are insane or Hemingway is a code name for the local street gang. But everybody knows Hemingway.

Give somebody else a turn, Oprah. *Sigh* Of course, she’s not listening, because writers with a whole hell of a lot more cachet and clout than I have petitioned her to start up her club again. And I understand why she is picking dead writers, too. They have a tendency to be really quiet and not complain when she showers them with praise. Thanks a HELL of a lot, Jonathan Franzen!

But we love you, Kelly. We think you’re just as important as Oprah, and that your book picks are actually a little bit more reasonable. I mean, come on, did anyone ever actually GET through Moby Dick? And I bet more than one person has picked it up with an ENTIRELY wrong idea about what this book is really about. Boy, I bet they were surprised.

You are still picking books, aren’t you? (Note to self: better check on Reading with Ripa. Otherwise, will look like silly fool.)

Sincerely,

Natalie R. Collins
http://www.nataliercollins.com

2005-06-24T18:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Kelly,

Have you ever tried to sell words? Seriously, who buys words? Well sure, contestants on Wheel of Fortune buy vowels, but your average person doesn't call their best friend and say, "Hey, let's go word-shopping!

It doesn't quite have the same ring as shoe-shopping, now does it?

You see, Kelly, I'm an author with a mystery series, and the books are selling okay. But not great. Not fabulous. Not like…

A Kelly Ripa Author!

I want to be a Kelly Ripa Author! My books are perfect for you—full of sex, murder and humor. I just know that if you read my series, you'll love it.

So Kelly, how many books shall I send you? Should I start shoe-shopping for my TV appearance?

Sincerely,

Jennifer Apodaca—Desperate to be a Kelly Ripa Author!

P. S. You can see more about me at my website, http://www.jenniferapodaca.com/