Bring Back Reading with Ripa--Stalking Kelly Ripa

Okay, we're not really stalking her (please don't call the FBI), but this blog was born out of the frustration of trying to get our books NOTICED when there is a sea of books published every year. If you can't change it, at least you can laugh about it....

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Dear Kelly,

I'm getting kind of worried because Jennifer keeps implying that I have live people hidden in my basement. Live, hunky, FBI-type people, of the male persuasion. The truth is, I've discovered I'm not very good at this crime business, including this stalking business. All I've ever done, while stalking you, is write you letters on a blog which, I'm quite sure, you've never even read. Crime doesn't seem to be my strong suit, unless I'm writing about it. I DO have a very active imagination. In real life, I'm pretty boring. I've had a few traffic tickets. Once they temporarily suspended my license because I didn't pay one of those traffic tickets on time, even though I called the stupid city EVERY day, trying to find out how much the ticket was, and they kept telling me it wasn't in the system yet, so I couldn't pay it!!

I've never been in jail, except for when I worked for the local sheriff's office as a 911-dispatcher, and when I did ride alongs with the local cops for the same job. I actually wasn't IN the jail, I was just visiting. I had a friend who had to go to jail once, because she was nicknamed Crash. That kinda says it all. She didn't get along with cars, and they didn't get along with her. That was a weekend kind of tour, and she says there wasn't even a Big Betty in there that wanted to make Lisa her bitch.

The only thing I've ever stolen was penny candy, and my mom made me return it and apologize. I was five.

Is there something odd about people who write murder and mayhem for a living, but don't actually participate in murder and mayhem?

I sure hope not.

As for the FBI guys in the basement, the truth is, I don't even have a complete basement. Just a crawl space. So if anyone is hiding down there, it's the Munchkins from Oz or FBI agents with severe back trouble. I do NOT have FBI agents in my basement. I'm starting to think Jen is trying to get ME in trouble.

Maybe I shouldn't hang out with her so much. Whaddaya think, Kelly? I think she's a bad influence. So I THINK maybe we should bring in some other influences, just so she can't lead me astray.

Yeah, that's a good idea... Now who can I get?

Stay tuned....

Natalie
www.nataliercollins.com

2 Comments:

  • At 12:34 PM, Blogger Ann D said…

    Dear Natalie -

    I think you need my editor to help combat the bad influence of you-know-who. I was just writing in my blog about how good it is to have her stalking me so that I just focus on finishing my overdue book like a good girl, instead of sneaking off to do publicity and other bad things. (My editor, is, well, like on the editorial side of the book biz, so I don't think she likes me two-timing with the marketing and publicity people, especially since my book is, well, like, kind of overdue.) But you've got your own editor/protector, don't you?

    And one other thing, Natalie. (I hope this isn't going to offend you on a fundamental level of your entire author-being.) You know how when we do the book proposal thing we sometimes do multiple submissions? Do you think maybe you should start thinking about a multiple stalk submission? Maybe folks like Geraldo have been dreaming all these years about having their very own book club.

    Anyway, it's just an idea. Maybe your stalking heart belongs to Kelly only. If so, stalk on, girlfriend. Stalk on!

     
  • At 5:12 PM, Blogger Natalie said…

    Hmmmm, multiple stalking.... I LIKE IT! I really like it!!

    Thanks, Ann!

     

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