Bring Back Reading with Ripa--Stalking Kelly Ripa

Okay, we're not really stalking her (please don't call the FBI), but this blog was born out of the frustration of trying to get our books NOTICED when there is a sea of books published every year. If you can't change it, at least you can laugh about it....

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Dear Kelly,

Jennifer and I HAVE to be the world's worst stalkers. THE WORST. Our efforts have not resulted in any restraining orders, police visits, and other than some ABSOLUTELY WRONG AND MISGUIDED inferences from Jennifer about my proclivities for restraining hot FBI agents in my non-existent basement, little else.

As for Jennifer's attempts to make me seem evil and depraved, first of all, most of the FBI agents I've met are not hot. Yeah, yeah, I know, we writers are always making them hot and deeply troubled, like David Duchovny on X-Files. But we're WRITERS. We're making this sh...er, stuff... UP! Nobody wants to read about deeply troubled nerds with pocket protectors, who have mother issues and... Um, never mind.
Secondly, I think that if anyone's background and life needs looking into, it's JENNIFER, not me. She CLAIMS she's married to an accountant. An accountant? Yeah, right, Jen. We've read your books. You don't pull that stuff out of thin air.

Oh wait. Let me go back here. I guess YOU, Kelly, haven't read our books, because you are mostly ignoring us, and not paying attention to our little blog.

Well fine. So we suck at stalking. We are, however, really good at writing murder. So we have joined up with three other suspense authors and are now collectively blogging at www.murdershewrites.com. Be sure to check us out.

Still waiting for that restraining order,
Lovingly, of course,

Natalie
www.nataliercollins.com
www.murdershewrites.com
www.aintnofbiagentsinmybasement.com.... Just kidding

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Dear Kelly,

I'm getting kind of worried because Jennifer keeps implying that I have live people hidden in my basement. Live, hunky, FBI-type people, of the male persuasion. The truth is, I've discovered I'm not very good at this crime business, including this stalking business. All I've ever done, while stalking you, is write you letters on a blog which, I'm quite sure, you've never even read. Crime doesn't seem to be my strong suit, unless I'm writing about it. I DO have a very active imagination. In real life, I'm pretty boring. I've had a few traffic tickets. Once they temporarily suspended my license because I didn't pay one of those traffic tickets on time, even though I called the stupid city EVERY day, trying to find out how much the ticket was, and they kept telling me it wasn't in the system yet, so I couldn't pay it!!

I've never been in jail, except for when I worked for the local sheriff's office as a 911-dispatcher, and when I did ride alongs with the local cops for the same job. I actually wasn't IN the jail, I was just visiting. I had a friend who had to go to jail once, because she was nicknamed Crash. That kinda says it all. She didn't get along with cars, and they didn't get along with her. That was a weekend kind of tour, and she says there wasn't even a Big Betty in there that wanted to make Lisa her bitch.

The only thing I've ever stolen was penny candy, and my mom made me return it and apologize. I was five.

Is there something odd about people who write murder and mayhem for a living, but don't actually participate in murder and mayhem?

I sure hope not.

As for the FBI guys in the basement, the truth is, I don't even have a complete basement. Just a crawl space. So if anyone is hiding down there, it's the Munchkins from Oz or FBI agents with severe back trouble. I do NOT have FBI agents in my basement. I'm starting to think Jen is trying to get ME in trouble.

Maybe I shouldn't hang out with her so much. Whaddaya think, Kelly? I think she's a bad influence. So I THINK maybe we should bring in some other influences, just so she can't lead me astray.

Yeah, that's a good idea... Now who can I get?

Stay tuned....

Natalie
www.nataliercollins.com

Friday, October 21, 2005

Dear Kelly,

So Steve Martin wrote a novella, got it published, turned it into a movie and is starring in the movie.

Yikes! Natalie and I must be doing something wrong! Could it be that we weren't, um, born with the right equipment for success?

Or that we just aren't very good at stalking stars like you to get noticed?

Or that we don't get caught committing crimes--like say the housekeeper that was stealing from "the mean stars" and got on TV to reveal why she did it?

Of course, I don't begrudge Steve his success. But Natalie and I got to talking and decided we are going to get noticed, darn it! And so we have been brainstorming...

And we are bringing others into our evil schemes...

So check back every once in a while for news!

Now I must dash off and check on Natalie. Can't leave her unsupervised for too long.

Jennifer
http://jenniferapodaca.com/