Bring Back Reading with Ripa--Stalking Kelly Ripa

Okay, we're not really stalking her (please don't call the FBI), but this blog was born out of the frustration of trying to get our books NOTICED when there is a sea of books published every year. If you can't change it, at least you can laugh about it....

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Dear Kelly,

Well, I’ve been writing to you for a while, and have had no response, but that’s okay. I know you’re probably busy, what with your acting career, your family, and of course, Regis. He seems like a high maintenance kinda person. I can understand that. My husband is pretty high maintenance himself. Oh, don’t worry. I know you aren’t MARRIED to Regis, but rather to Mark Consuelos, who is pretty hunky, being a former Chippendale dancer and all. Hmm. You know, now that I think about it, I’m wondering if being married to a former Chippendale dancer doesn’t have its OWN problems. Me, I’m married to a former Chip N’ Dale fan, which is slightly different.

Despite his love for cartoons, he’s not terribly simplistic. In fact, he’s downright troublesome. For example, this man who can rewire or fix just about anything with a screwdriver and a roll of duct tape has other difficulties reasoning.

For example, he cannot understand why dogsitting a 130-pound great dane might be slightly difficult, especially when I have a 20-pound shih tzu, a small house, and children he outweighs by, oh, forty or fifty pounds. (No offense to the great dane people. He’s a good dog, he’s just damn big dog, more like a horse, really.) The abovementioned children are out of school, of course, and so I hear a lot of “what should I dooooo?” “I’m booooorrreeedd.” All of my suggestions are the wrong answer, so I suppose I should just say, “Go and fight with your sister and scream names at each other,” because that’s the right answer, or at least the one that they do the most.

Of course, HM husband is at WORK during the day, so the whole logistical/pain-in-tush part of tending a great dane does not OCCUR to him. See, to Bosley, my dog Stormy looks like an hors d’oeuvre. And to Stormy, Bosley looks like another dog to play with. That means one must be inside while the other is outside. They sit at the side door and stare at each other, Bosley with a “how-much-is-that-doggie-in-the-window-and-does-it-come-with-sauce” look on his face, and Stormy with a “does it want to play?” look on his. It wants to play, all right.

In the mean time, I have revisions due. My editor called me with some suggestions for my next book, and my deadline is “take your time and hurry up.” Hard to do when you are playing referee to two fighting-out-of-school children, one of whom just HAPPENS to be premenstrual, God save us all, and the Samson and Goliath of the dog world. Since my office IS the dining room/living room area, as I gave up the downstairs room so PM daughter could have her privacy, well, things are chaotic. It’s hard to concentrate.

And PM daughter is down her room sobbing her eyes out about the injustices I have heaped upon her, one of which is apparently the fact that I thought I would have a royalty check by now (as you might guess, I was wrong) and I thought we might possibly be able to go school shopping. Wrong again. Can you believe how cruel I am?

I might have some money for school shopping, except the air-conditioning in my car went out, shortly after I got it back from its encounter with Angel-the-devil, and I had to pay to get that fixed. So I don’t have a lot of extra cash right now, because 100-degree weather and no air in a car make Natalie a cranky girl.

And now I can’t remember the point of this letter, which may explain why I have so many revisions to do on my manuscript because the chaos of my life does not allow me time to work and really think things through properly.

A nanny would help. Or a cruise. Either/or.

Love,

Natalie
http://www.nataliercollins.com

1 Comments:

  • At 8:44 AM, Blogger Jennifer said…

    Natalie, you crack me up! Chip-N-Dale fan! LOL, so NOT the same thing as a hunky Chippendale dancer!

    Hey I was so tired when I came back from conference last night, I dreamed I had TWO nannies. The only problem is that my kids are pretty much grown up. The youngest is 16 and, seriously, I don't want to think about him and a nanny.

    Hope you get the revisions done without any bloodshed!

    Jen

     

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