Bring Back Reading with Ripa--Stalking Kelly Ripa

Okay, we're not really stalking her (please don't call the FBI), but this blog was born out of the frustration of trying to get our books NOTICED when there is a sea of books published every year. If you can't change it, at least you can laugh about it....

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Guest Stalker
Melanie Hauser

Dear Kelly Ripa,

Well, personally I’m not all that upset that Oprah discontinued her book club. I never thought that the book I wrote would get her attention. Nobody dies in it, for one thing. But you — ah, well, you were my true inspiration. I wanted to write a Kelly Ripa book — fun, fast, maybe a bit cheeky but honestly, who can’t use a bit of fun in her life now and then?

But then you stopped Reading with Ripa! Why? I understand you’re a superwoman — putting up with Regis, kids, hubby, starring in two television shows. But even superwomen have to read now and then! And despite the fact that you’ve had three kids and still manage to be thin and gorgeous — reasons why the rest of us should really hate you — we don’t. We like you. We really like you. And we really like to read books recommended by you.

I’ve written a book about a super mom — something right up your alley, as a matter of fact. So from one superwoman to another — Please bring back Reading with Ripa!

Author of a fun, cheeky novel and proud of it,

Melanie Lynne Hauser
CONFESSIONS OF SUPER MOM, Dutton, September 2005
For every soccer mom who dreams of leaping tall buildings in a single bound — introducing a superhero for the Swiffer generation.

Hey Kelly,

Guess what? My agent just called with an offer for another two-book contract! How cool is that? I'll be writing two mystery/romance books for a very sexy line—exactly the kind of fun beach reads you love!

So I was thinking, maybe you can tell me what your fantasy-book is, you know, your secret passion that you haven't told anyone? Do you have a thing for baseballs players and whip cream? Firemen and their hoses? NASCAR drivers and their stick shifts? Come on, Kelly, you can tell me. I'll write it so hot it'll make your dreams come true!

We'll be a team!

Okay, it'll be my name on the cover, but I'll write an acknowledgement to you. How about:

To the beautiful, talented, Kelly Ripa,

Thank you for your wonderful suggestions and late night phone calls that helped me craft this book! I'm looking forward to our next lunch.

How would that be? Oh, and Kelly, don't worry. All your secrets are safe with me. I won't tell anybody! I mean sure, I'll put them in the book, but I'll cleverly disguise them so no one will ever know!

Hope to hear from you soon!


P.S. Say hi to Regis for me. Hey, is he going on vacation soon? Need a fill-in for him on your show?

Monday, June 27, 2005

Dear Kelly Ripa,

Well, imagine my disappointment when I learned you no longer PICK Kelly Ripa books. What is up with that? And don’t try to make this about me, and not doing the research or even just being up on current events enough to know you weren’t doing it. I’m a writer. I spend most of my days with my fingers glued to the keyboard. There just isn’t television watching time during the day.

You know, once I watched this show with a writer, and she lived a pretty glamorous life. Lunches, and bons bons, and champagne receptions. That might even have been the time I decided to become a writer. Boy was I fooled. DO NOT ever make life plans based on television. And in the meantime, nobody is doing that dirty laundry piling up! But I digress.

You know, just because you don’t do the Reading with Ripa books anymore does NOT mean you can’t start again.

We need you, girlfriend.

What is it going to take? I don’t have a lot of cash, and my children are kind of whiny and not very helpful around the house, plus one is almost 13 and she has head-spinning, pea-soup spewing episodes at least twice a day, so I think you won’t want them.

In short, all I really have to offer is a great book with great reviews and edge-of-your-seat suspense. Give it a chance and you’ll see.

Just give the word, and I’ll get the book in the mail. I’ll sign it, send bon bons, and even including the pea-soup spewing daughter if you are so inclined.

Waiting for the word….

Natalie R. Collins
Dear Kelly,

So many people want Reading with Ripa back! Since you've put the reading program on hiatus, it just hasn't been the same. We miss selections like Carly Phillips' sexy bachelors or Vickie Lewis Thompson's hot nerds (I sounds like an oxymoron).

Without Reading for Ripa, the unchecked media (fueled by the cable news channels) have jumped in to fill the void with sheer TACKINESS. They don't look for authors who've written a good book. They consider that formula passe.

Here is their formula:
1) Wait for some someone to do something stupid, questionable, a little illegal or immoral.
2) Make them the non-stop news story for endless days, weeks, even months if they can get enough play. (Like say, the mistress of a murdered!)
3) After wringing out every second of nauseating news coverage from them, add in a facilitator like Gloria Allred to secure that multi-buck book deal and movie rights.
4) Then give the book and movie tons of free publicity.

For example, The Runaway Bride, Amber Fry, Monica Lewinsky...I could go on and on!

So please, Kelly, bring Reading with Ripa back to us! We need your good taste and charm to save us!

Best Regards,

P.S. I just happen to have a couple books (four books and a novella!) that might fit your excellent taste in selections!

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Dear Kelly Ripa,

I realize you don’t know me from Adam, er, Eve, but I would love to change that. See, ever since Oprah started picking books written by dead people for her Book Club, and ignoring those of among the living without names like Hemingway or Faulkner, things have been pretty bad for us published authors. (Of course, they were ALIVE when they wrote the books, but it’s been a while. Trust me.)

Used to be a guest shot on Oprah pretty much guaranteed your place on the bestselling lists. Well, now, Oprah has resorted to classics. CLASSICS. Can you believe it? Like Hemingway needs anyone else in the world to know his name. When you say “Hemingway” to any person on the street, they immediately reply “Ernest.” That is unless they are hitting you full in the face with mace, because they think you are insane or Hemingway is a code name for the local street gang. But everybody knows Hemingway.

Give somebody else a turn, Oprah. *Sigh* Of course, she’s not listening, because writers with a whole hell of a lot more cachet and clout than I have petitioned her to start up her club again. And I understand why she is picking dead writers, too. They have a tendency to be really quiet and not complain when she showers them with praise. Thanks a HELL of a lot, Jonathan Franzen!

But we love you, Kelly. We think you’re just as important as Oprah, and that your book picks are actually a little bit more reasonable. I mean, come on, did anyone ever actually GET through Moby Dick? And I bet more than one person has picked it up with an ENTIRELY wrong idea about what this book is really about. Boy, I bet they were surprised.

You are still picking books, aren’t you? (Note to self: better check on Reading with Ripa. Otherwise, will look like silly fool.)


Natalie R. Collins

Friday, June 24, 2005

Dear Kelly,

Have you ever tried to sell words? Seriously, who buys words? Well sure, contestants on Wheel of Fortune buy vowels, but your average person doesn't call their best friend and say, "Hey, let's go word-shopping!

It doesn't quite have the same ring as shoe-shopping, now does it?

You see, Kelly, I'm an author with a mystery series, and the books are selling okay. But not great. Not fabulous. Not like…

A Kelly Ripa Author!

I want to be a Kelly Ripa Author! My books are perfect for you—full of sex, murder and humor. I just know that if you read my series, you'll love it.

So Kelly, how many books shall I send you? Should I start shoe-shopping for my TV appearance?


Jennifer Apodaca—Desperate to be a Kelly Ripa Author!

P. S. You can see more about me at my website,